


Trespassing and Shower Studies

by jabedalien



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, This is literally just sad, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, i dont even want u reading it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25888843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jabedalien/pseuds/jabedalien
Summary: Troy and Abed sneak into Jeff's apartment, but make it deeply sad
Relationships: Abed Nadir/Jeff Winger
Comments: 10
Kudos: 65





	Trespassing and Shower Studies

**Author's Note:**

> this is just some emo crap that i dont know what to do with. yes i cried writing this.

“Wait, how are we supposed to get in?” Troy asked, jiggling the locked handle of the door.

Abed smirked and got on his toes, feeling around above the doorframe until his fingertips caught a key. He put it in the knob and unlocked the front door. “Got it.”

“How’d you know about that?”

“I know about a lot of things.” Abed said, instead of telling Troy the truth, that he knew because one time Jeff had called him drunk, needing a ride home from the bar, and when he couldn’t find his key in his pocket he’d grabbed this one instead. Then he’d taken a long look at Abed, who was praying that this was his chance to be invited inside, muttered a thank you and slammed the door in his face.

“This is kinda fun.” Troy said, opening every drawer in Jeff’s kitchen and peeking around in each one. He found a wine opener and started playing with the arms.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” Abed said suddenly, closing the linen closet he’d been looking through.

“I bet Jeff has a nice shower.” Troy said offhandedly, inspecting the loaf of bread he’d found in the freezer. Abed appreciated that about Troy, the way he didn’t question Abed even when he probably should.

…

Abed leaned past the plain white curtain and started the shower. He stripped down while the water was heating up, dropping his clothes on the tile floor before stepping under the showerhead. There were only two bottles, a body wash and a shampoo, everything else locked in the safe under Jeff’s sink. He poured some soap in his hand, bringing it close to his face and taking a breath in before using it because it smelled like Jeff. That was the only reason he’d done any of this, because when the shampoo was running in streams down his back he could imagine that him and Jeff were close enough for Abed to be casually using his shower.

When his hair was rinsed Abed turned the heat up a bit and laid down on his back, bracing his feet against the wall. He let the water hit his face, a constant barrage suffocating him a little as he tried to breathe around it. He wondered if Jeff did this sometimes, laid in the shower with hot water scalding his skin for so long that it stopped hurting, until everything else stopped feeling real. Jeff seemed like the type to cry in the shower too, or maybe Abed thought that because it was the only place he let himself cry.

He wasn’t crying now but he sort of wanted to be, was trying to will the tears to mix with the water drowning him before they even left his eyes. Abed had never seen Jeff really cry, but he came close at the restaurant on Abed’s birthday. That night Abed had seen them welling up in Jeff’s eyes, but he’d blinked them away and Abed elected to ignore it, not knowing how he was supposed to respond. Now he wished Jeff would cry in front of him, because Abed had thought about what he’d do plenty of times over. He would wrap his arm around Jeff’s shoulders and put his head next to Jeff’s, and he wouldn’t say anything, because he liked to think that the two of them were beyond words most of the time anyways.

Looking back he felt bad about the entire night, a misguided attempt to explain to Jeff how badly Abed needed him. The things Jeff told him then were ones Abed thought about at night sometimes, when he was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering if Jeff had fallen asleep yet, if he was doing alright, if he’d feel better or safer or more loved with Abed next to him. He could tell Jeff how he’d love him no matter what he looked like, because he was more than a Halloween costume from when he was a kid or a bad grade in a tight sweater. Then he’d remind himself that Jeff was probably asleep, that he was probably just fine, and that he wasn’t ever going to make Jeff feel anything, at least not in the way he wanted.

It didn’t stop Abed from hoping that one day he’d be able to open Jeff up and find that little part of him everyone had broken over the years. He could reach in, pull it out and put it next to his own, hold his hand out to show them both to Jeff and say “ _Hey look, we’re just the same, you and I._ ”

It actually would make Jeff feel better if he knew that, he hoped. To know that Jeff’s dad hadn’t wanted him, and Abed’s hadn’t either, and the only difference was that Jeff’s dad was able to leave and Abed’s had no choice but to stay.

Eventually Abed realized that he’d been in here for way too long already, so he got up and turned off the water, Jeff’s soap clinging to the mist in the air and making the whole room smell like him.  
When Abed stepped out of the shower and looked in the mirror he read the words _“You’re Special”_ written into it with Jeff’s finger about a hundred times over. He hated them, hated the fact that the only person Jeff heard that from was himself, hated that he knew Jeff didn’t believe it, or else it wouldn’t be written there in the first place. Abed considered taking the post-it notes from Jeff’s junk drawer and covering up the mirror entirely. He’d use the pen Jeff stole from the bank and write exactly why he thought Jeff was special on each of them until there wasn’t a reflection to look at. There were more than enough reasons to take up the whole bathroom and then some.

Abed tried to imagine some of the things he’d write. “ _You always know what to say_ ” would probably come first, because that was one of the most special things about Jeff, at least to Abed, who never, ever, knew what to say. “ _You stick up for me_ ” because of that first Christmas, and for every time anyone staring at Abed was shut down with a single look from Jeff. There were so many of them running through his mind that Abed couldn’t even catch them all. “ _You get my references_ ”, “ _You always listen to me_ ”, “ _You brought our family together_ ”. Most of all he just wanted to grab Jeff by the shoulders and shake him and tell him that of course he was special, that he was the most special person Abed had ever met, that if he gave Abed the chance he would tell him how special he was every day for the rest of their lives.

The whole thing had made him irrationally angry, and he felt like acting the way Jeff probably would, kicking things around and tearing pages out of the old textbooks in Jeff’s desk and screaming into a pillow. He wanted to take out the nice knives in Jeff’s kitchen, the sharp ones in the wooden block that had hardly ever been touched, since Jeff couldn’t cook. He'd use them to slice open all the couch cushions and throw the stuffing everywhere, tear the curtains to shreds and lay in the mess until Jeff came to rescue him.

He settled for drying himself off and getting dressed again, then walking out the door into Jeff’s bedroom and chucking one of his pillows across the room. Afterwards he dutifully walked over and picked it up, put it exactly where it had been. Out of curiosity he opened Jeff’s nightstand drawer, disappointed but not shocked to see a half-empty bottle of scotch there. Abed got on top of the bed, laying down without disturbing anything best he could. He figured this was the side of the bed Jeff slept on, considering the placement of the bottle, and tried to imagine himself waking up in the other spot one morning. After a few minutes Troy joined him, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him.

“Do you want to tell me why we came here?” Troy asked. Abed’s eyes were closed, and he was still lying on his back, but Troy knew he was awake.

“Not particularly.” Abed said back, unsure of where to even begin unpacking the feelings that had led him to this point.

“That’s fine.” Troy said, placing a hand on Abed’s shoulder.

Abed realized that Troy definitely knew, had probably known for longer than Abed himself did. He didn’t say it out loud though, and Abed appreciated that. Having to listen to Troy tell him it was okay that he loved Jeff would’ve only made it hurt more. Troy deserved better than to be his therapist counseling him through his dumb, childish, hopeless emotions.

Troy tapped lightly against Abed’s shoulder. “Do you want to go now?”

He opened his eyes and Troy gave him a reassuring smile. “Yeah, thanks.”

Just like that Abed got up and they making their way out.

“Good to go?” Troy asked. "We didn't leave anything out of place, right?"

“Actually, give me one second.” Abed said, rushing over to the drawer in Jeff’s kitchen and pulling out the sticky notes and a pen. He grabbed them and went back to the bedroom, leaning against the nightstand as he wrote.

_Call me please._

_P.S._

_I think you're special_

Abed didn’t even bother signing it, figuring Jeff knew his handwriting well enough anyway. He stuck it to the bottom of the drawer, and placed the bottle of scotch directly over it before turning the lights out and closing the door.


End file.
